


Election Night Special

by Dabethan



Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Additional triggers will be added for different chapters, And no one dies i promise, F/F, Jesus christ there is a lot of character interaction in this thing, M/M, Other, References to the abuse topics mentioned in the debate fic, but i tagged it with a violence warning just in case, they don't even get close to it, this fic also has a lot of suicide contemplation though i tried to make it non graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22240453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dabethan/pseuds/Dabethan
Summary: Jane Crocker (Serious Party)Karkat Vantas (Silly Party)June Egbert (Extremely Silly Party)Is already written, and will update every other day.Mind the tags, big time.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Jade Harley (One Sided), Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Jane Crocker & Dirk Strider, June Egbert/Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Series: Dabethan Cinematic Universe [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587559
Comments: 18
Kudos: 55





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS:
> 
> The opening to the fic is pretty much all suicide contemplation, up until the line that starts with "In the Consort Kingdom".

You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain, and Dirk doesn't want to become a villain.

Behind him, the holographic tv on the back wall plays the Election Night Special, hosted by a famous troll he's never bothered to remember the name of. They're almost done counting the ballots, and Jane is far behind.

Of course, he knew this already. Rose had called him up before they even started the debate, and he made the necessary preparations to tie up any loose ends he had. He just wishes he could have helped Jane better. 

An incoming voice call flashes across his glasses, and he accepts it without thinking. Who the fuck calls?

JANE: Strider! Um, how are you?  
DIRK: I'm fine. Busy.  
JANE: Ah...I was worried maybe you forgot?  
DIRK: About your election party? Of course not. I'm just...running late.  
DIRK: I'll be there soon.

It's only a small lie. It's ok. It's ok.

DIRK: I'm sorry, Jane.

She doesn't answer for a moment.

JANE: It's ok, Dirk. Come over soon, though! I have orange cider for you!  
DIRK: Non-alcoholic, I assume.  
JANE: Of course, silly goose!  
JANE: See you soon! :B  
DIRK: See you soon.

The holographic tv suddenly explodes with commotion. The results are displayed on screen in percentages, and Jane is far on the bottom. Karkat didn't even do that admirably, let alone Jane.

???: Congratulions June Egbert! President of Earth C ^w^!

Now is the time he said he would do it, but he has trouble moving up from his chair. He's sitting straight and rigid, and he can't seem to will his legs to properly move to the fucked up death contraption he set up. For once, there is no narrative fuckery in control here. Instead, Dirk's mind replays a moment that he's never truly recovered from:

"I am scared to not exist. Aren't you?"

  


In the Consort Kingdom, Salamander district, a group of people sit in the living room of June Egbert's house, watching the old fashioned box TV.

June herself sits in the center of the couch, completely still, her mind blank. She feels rather cold. Behind her are her girlfriends screeching in delight of the results, while the Nannasprite's are swinging their noise makers and popping confetti. Rose is smiling kindly, going in for a hug that June receives very, very passively. She's thinks that Rose is much warmer than herself.

Kanaya seems more contained, rubbing Karkat's shoulders, but she still congratulates her, smiling softly. Karkat mumbles something that could have been congratulatory, but it's hard to tell. She can't even see Dave and Jade.

God she wishes she didn't feel so guilty about this. They worked so fucking hard.

Slowly, Rose stands from her hug, and kisses June on her forehead. She blinks up at her friend in surprise, but she just smiles in a cryptic way, and then addresses the room.

ROSE: I apologise for our abruptness, but I'm afraid we all have much to do tomorrow, and Kanaya and I should really be getting home.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: Very Sorry To Leave Early  
KANAYA: It Seems Like Bad Form I Think  
KANAYA: Like Normally I Mean  
JUNE: oh...it's ok, guys. thanks for coming.  
VRISKA: Noooooooo you guys should stay! It's a cele8ration up in this 8itch!!!!!!!!  
JUNE: no, really. if they're tired, they should get some rest.  
ROSE: Thank you, June.  
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: And Congratulations  
KANAYA: I Can't Wait To Work With You  
JUNE: oh. right.  
JADE: oh ummmm  
JADE: im also leaving! sorry june :(  
JADE: i left some stuff at roses place the other night and i have to get it before tomorrow morning so…  
JUNE: that's fine. thanks for being here, jade.  
JADE: of course!!!  
JADE: i love you june congratulations!!!

June smiles at her, and Jade gives her a very tight hug, before getting on her coat and leaving joining Rose and Kanaya outside.

June knows what's coming before Dave says anything.

DAVE: june babe i hate to do this to you but i think karkat and i are going to go home now and like i think you probably understand  
JUNE: yeah  
TEREZI: R34LLY? YOU'R3 R34LLY TH4T MUCH OF 4 BUMM3R YOU C4N'T 3V3N B3 H4PPY FOR YOUR B3ST FR13ND'S W1N?  
DAVE: its not about that bro like god honestly if it couldnt be karkat im glad it was you dude like for real  
DAVE: but also  
DAVE: you know  
JUNE: no, i really do get it.  
VRISKA: Are you serious? Is everyone just going to a8andon us right now????????  
KARKAT: LITERALLY FULL OFFENSE SERKET BUT WE WERE YOUR FUCKING OPPONENTS. WE'RE TIRED.  
KARKAT: BUT ALSO…  
KARKAT: JUNE, I AM REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY DO DESERVE IT. I VOTED FOR YOU.  
DAVE: wait you what  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN *WHAT*.  
KARKAT: YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO VOTE FOR MYSELF? LIKE SOME SORT OF TOOL?  
DAVE: i mean yeah i guess  
JUNE: i voted for karkat.  
TEREZI: 1 4LSO VOT3D FOR K4RK4T  
VRISKA: HEY!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: wow look at that support you got there egbert  
DAVE: really on top of it huh

June's stomach does an odd flip.

Dave and Karkat get to their feet, and June is sluggishly dragged upwards to give proper goodbyes. They stumble out the door, 1 foot apart 'cause they aren't gay, and June sinks back into the couch. Giggling, Terezi and Vriska join her, while the Nannasprites are off doing...something.

VRISKA: God, I am just so proud of you! I knew with Terezi's and my 8rains we could totally have you run this place, and it worked!  
TEREZI: TH1S 1S GO1NG TO B3 GR34T! W3'R3 GO1NG TO R34LLY SHOW 3V3RYON3 4 GOOD PR3S1D3NCY.  
VRISKA: We may even 8e a8le to take Crocker Corp. Down!!!!!!!! I'm so sick of that stupid 8itch.  
TEREZI: JUN3?  
TEREZI: JUN3 4R3 YOU OK?  
JUNE: …

June Egbert is 23 years old and the newest president of Earth C. She bursts into tears.


	2. Feeling Blue

TEREZI: WHO4 WHO4 WHO4 WH4T'S WRONG? JUN3? WH3T'S WRONG?  
JUNE: i-i'm just-  
JUNE: i shouldn't be president! why am i president!  
TEREZI: B3C4US3 YOU R4N FOR PR3S1D3NT?  
VRISKA: And you won!  
JUNE: but i shouldn't have won! karkat should have, or or may be jane???  
VRISKA: JANE????????  
JUNE: sure! jane actually was prepared to be president! i'm just.  
JUNE: i'm a sad loser who spends all her time on a couch watching thor: the dark world.  
JUNE: guys, i'm nothing.  
TEREZI: YOU 4R3N'T NOTH1NG, JUN3  
JUNE: i am! i am and i'm going to be terrible at this i should never have run!

June is suddenly muffled by a pile of eight blankets being tossed over her head. She emerges with a gasp, and whips her head around to face Vriska, who has her eyes narrowed and her head cocked to the side.

VRISKA: 8etter?  
JUNE: ...a little.  
VRISKA: You're such a whiny 8itch.  
JUNE: i know. i'm sorry.  
VRISKA: It's ok to 8e a whiny 8itch. Only sometimes, though.  
VRISKA: Now is one of those times!  
TEREZI: Y3P  
JUNE: still.  
JUNE: i'm like. i'm being so un grateful right now, aren't i?  
JUNE: you worked so hard but i'm over here saying i don't want to be president now.  
TEREZI: 1T'S OK  
TEREZI: WH4T H4PP3N3D THOUGH?  
VRISKA: I thought you wanted to 8e president? That's why we worked so hard.  
JUNE: i don't know. campaigning seemed like a good distraction, but i didn't think any one would actually…  
JUNE: vote for me?  
JUNE: why would any one vote for me??  
VRISKA: Cause you have good ideas! Like, let's 8e honest here.  
VRISKA: Jane's a 8itch and Karkat doesn't know what he's doing!  
JUNE: but i don't know what i'm doing either!  
TEREZI: BUT N31TH3R DO D4V3 4ND J4D3  
VRISKA: See, Terezi and I DO know what we're doing!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: You're going to 8e fine, 8a8e. ::::)

She gives her a wink and June just nods. Her eyes are starting to dry, but she still feels so... unconfident.

The Nannasprites fade back into the room, holding some cleaning supplies and a bucket. They quickly set them down and float over to the girls, cooing and holding out handkerchiefs towards June's face.

NANNASPRITE: Oh, what's going on in here?  
TEREZI: JUN3'S 4NX1OUS 4BOUT B31NG PR3S1D3NT  
NANNASPRITE: Oh!  
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo! You're going to be fine, sweetie.  
VRISKA: ::::/  
VRISKA: Why are you even here still?  
NANNASPRITE: What are you so worried about specifically, dearie?  
NANNASPRITE: Let's think of it in steps.  
JUNE: um...ok.  
JUNE: well i guess to morrow i will have to give a speech?  
JUNE: i haven't prepared one at all. i didn't think i was going to win…  
VRISKA: Oh, we already wrote one for you.  
JUNE: what? really???  
VRISKA: Of course! That's sort of our job.  
JUNE: huh.  
VRISKA: We also picked out your outfit!  
JUNE: oh. :/  
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU M4K1NG 4 F4C3  
TEREZI: DON'T M4K3 4 F4C3, 1T W1LL LOOK D3L1C1OUS  
TEREZI: 1 WON'T B3 4BL3 TO K33P MY TONGU3 OFF YOU >:]  
JUNE: haha ew.  
TEREZI: SHUT UP YOU LOV3 1T  
JUNE: my nanas are right here!  
TEREZI: UGH WH4T3V3R  
TEREZI: TH3Y UND3RST4ND 1 DO TH4T TO PROC3SS MY SURROUND1NGS, UNL1KE *SOM3* P3OPL3  
NANNASPRITE: What happens after the speech, dear?  
JUNE: i... don't know?  
TEREZI: YOU H4V3 4N 4PPO1NTM3NT W1TH TH3 COMMUN1TY L34D3RS 1N 34CH D1STR1CT 4ND K1NGDOM, 4ND TH3N 4 TOUR OF TH3 BROOD1NG C4V3RNS W1TH K4N4Y4 1N TH3 L4T3 4FT3RNOON  
JUNE: i do???  
TEREZI: Y3S  
TEREZI: W3 M4D3 4LL OF TH1S 34RL13R TH1S W33K 1N C4S3 YOU W1N  
VRISKA: Jane and Karkat didn't even THINK to make appointments weeks in advance! No wonder they lost honestly. What losers.  
JUNE: huh.  
NANNASPRITE: Is this helping at all?  
JUNE: um, a little? maybe you guys could explain to me what happens when i meet the community leaders?  
VRISKA: Oh, you know.  
TEREZI: YOU KNOW  
VRISKA: You know!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: They're gonna 8e a 8unch of people who will mostly stum8le a8out cause you're a god and also the president. We'll 8e there to make things less awkward!  
TEREZI: MOR3 4WKW4RD  
VRISKA: Less awkward!!!!!!!!  
NANNASPRITE: Sounds like nothing to worry about to me!  
JUNE: yeah...i guess i've done this kind of stuff before, huh.  
VRISKA: Nothing new or scary, June!  
JUNE: you guys will be there too…  
JUNE: don't take this the wrong way, but i guess i kind of thought i'd have to do all this my self? so it's kind of weird but super nice to know that you're both actually helping and being helpful.  
TEREZI: TH4T'S 4 L1TTL3 R3DUND4NT  
JUNE: yeah. thank you. both of you.

June's tears start to trickle once again, and she sniffs loudly.

JUNE: god, i'm so fucking lame! why am i crying so much???  
NANNASPRITE: It's good to get your emotions out sometimes!  
JUNE: i guess…  
NANNASPRITE: I know it's scary to think people have expectations of you, but you won't be alone in exceeding them!  
TEREZI: Y34H!  
VRISKA: We're with you!  
TEREZI: MOSTLY  
VRISKA: Mostly!!!!!!!!  
JUNE: thanks guys. :B  
JUNE: i love youuuuuuuu!  
VRISKA: Noooooooo!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: GROSS  
NANNASPRITE: Aw!  
NANNASPRITE: Now you should go to bed! You have to get up early for your speech tomorrow!  
JUNE: Nanna. :/  
NANNASPRITE: Nanna is right, June! Time for bed.  
JUNE: oh my god. what am i six?  
TEREZI: MOR3 L1K3 T3N 4ND 4 H4LF  
NANNASPRITE: We can tuck you in!  
VRISKA: What? Ew, no!  
JUNE: well...that doesn't sound too bad actually. i probably don't spend enough time with you guys!  
NANNASPRITE: Aw, we'd love to spend more time with you!  
NANNASPRITE: Would you girls like to be tucked in as well?  
VRISKA: No!!!!!!!!  
TEREZI: M4YB3?  
JUNE: it'd be really nice...to have a sleep over with my girl friends…  
TEREZI: 1T'S K1ND OF H4RD TO 3NV1S1ON, WH4T W1TH YOUR HUM4N B3D B31NG TH3 S1Z3 OF 4 S1NGL3 FUCK1NG P3RSON, 4LB1GHT ON3 WHO'S 4 B1T W1D3  
TEREZI: 4LSO VR1SK4'S HORN 4LW4YS POK3S M3 >:[  
JUNE: same. but that's sort of the charm?  
VRISKA: See, Eg8ert gets it!  
JUNE: come oooooon let's get tucked in! we'll be in a pile!  
TEREZI: W3LL 1 DO L1K3 P1L3S  
VRISKA: SIGH ok.  
NANNASPRITE: Hoo hoo!

They slowly drift upstairs, dragging the blankets with them, until all three of them are in an unceremonious pile on June's bed. It is very snug, and not in a very sexy way, but June feels more comfortable with the contact (even with Vriska's pokey horn digging into her shoulder). Both Nannasprites tuck them in, and give her a small kiss on her cheek, which she responds to by sticking her tongue out in disgust. The Nannasprites don't mind, they know she loves them.

After they leave, June reaches over to kiss her girlfriends good night, crushing them both a bit in the process. Terezi makes a small groan, but both of them seem satisfied with this development. Squished against the wall, June closes her eyes, knowing Vriska will eventually make her sleep if she has any trouble.

JUNE: thanks for...being here…  
JUNE: love you...


	3. Future Uncertain

Jade sits in the far corner of Rose and Kanaya's leather living room couch. It's dark outside now, and the room is softly lit up with many warm toned lamps, casting deep shadows on the walls around them.

Rose sits next to her on the couch, while Kanaya makes tea in another room. Eventually she comes back with a cup filled with peppermint tea that she hands to Jade. It's oddly calming.

Jade scoots over a bit, and finds herself a bit squished between her two friends. Kanaya pats her head while Rose takes a sip of her own cup of chamomile.

KANAYA: So  
KANAYA: You Are Here To Talk Right  
KANAYA: Not To Be Pushy  
JADE: well yes  
JADE: i guess i am here to talk :(  
JADE: or distract myself  
ROSE: That's a good idea. Sometimes it's good to distract yourself instead of focusing on things you can't change.  
JADE: are you...sure i cant change it??  
ROSE: Well, you could. But it won't go well. We've talked about this.  
ROSE: If you try to interrupt Dave and Karkat tonight then they won't act on their feelings at all.  
JADE: UGH!  
ROSE: I know, Jade.  
JADE: no you dont! not really…  
JADE: you have everything so- so CERTAIN!  
JADE: like you and kanaya have always loved each other youve been together for years and you have your own house and jobs  
JADE: its mundane and boring and fuck i want that!!!  
JADE: i want that so bad :(  
JADE: i was alone for so long...i had nannasprite and jaspersprite but it wasnt the same as having my friends...  
KANAYA: Oh Jade  
KANAYA: Im Sorry You Feel That Way  
KANAYA: I Had No Idea  
JADE: its ok...im just taking it out on you guys its not really your fault  
JADE: ugh im sorry!!  
ROSE: It's alright, we understand.  
JADE: do you think theyre going to shut me out?  
ROSE: Dave and Karkat?  
JADE: yeah  
JADE: what if they start having sex all the time and they just forget about me entirely!!  
KANAYA: Forgive Me If I Sound Rude  
KANAYA: But Dont You Live In Their House  
JADE: yeah, but,  
KANAYA: Karkat Wanted You To Be His Vice President  
KANAYA: He Cares About You A Lot And Trusts You Exponentially  
ROSE: Jade, have you thought about telling them this?  
JADE: i DO tell them this!!!  
ROSE: But do you tell them that you're lonely and have trauma caused by being without people for many years? Or do you use euphemisms and flirting to try and get them to date you?  
JADE: well…  
JADE: ok it is the second one :(  
ROSE: I figured.  
JADE: i cant tell them all that stuff though!  
JADE: i dont want them to hang out with me cause they feel guilty or anything  
KANAYA: I Assure You They Do And Will Hang Out With You Because They Like You Jade  
KANAYA: But They Deserve Some Context To Your Feelings  
KANAYA: They Arent Bad People But They Are A Bit  
KANAYA: Self Absorbed  
KANAYA: I Doubt They Really Think About Other Peoples Problems Unless You Prompt Them To  
JADE: and im not prompting them :/  
KANAYA: Exactly  
JADE: ok i really do need to distract myself!  
JADE: i cant keep going on thinking about stupid boys all night >:(  
KANAYA: I Agree  
KANAYA: Why Dont You Play Us A Song?  
JADE: oh thats a good idea!!  
ROSE: It has been a while, hasn't it?

She picks up her bass from the behind Rose and Kanaya's couch. They're the best at helping her brainstorm lyrics, while Dave tends to help with the later stages in the production process.

JADE: ok hmmmmm!  
JADE: you two will help me right??  
ROSE: Of course.  
KANAYA: I Am On The Edge Of My Seat  
JADE: :D  
JADE: ok  
JADE: theme is...being lonely :(

Jade strums a single note on her bass, and slowly starts to add a rhythmic pattern. Music is a lot like math; she just needs to keep count.

KANAYA: I Like That  
ROSE: Hold it a little longer, I think I have something.  
ROSE: Ahem.

I want a home of my own  
Don't want to be clingy but I'm sick of being alone  
I want a place to belong  
Wish you'd take me with you away from this song

We're too caught up in our destruction  
We won't let each other function  
Can't seem to get away from our assumptions (About the other)

I just hope you don't forget about me  
I'm waiting I'm waiting  
I don't want to think about how I should be  
I'm waiting I'm waiting  
Do you miss me?  
Do you want me to leave?  
I just hope you don't forget about me  
I'm waiting I'm waiting

JADE: was that ok???  
KANAYA: I Dont Normally Like The Genre Youre Going With But I Think It Was Lovely  
KANAYA: You Are Very Talented Jade  
JADE: aw thanks kan!!  
ROSE: Would you like to stay the night, Jade?  
JADE: oh i dont want to intrude any more than i have! ive been here a while anyway…  
KANAYA: Ridiculous Wed Love To Have You  
ROSE: It's quite fun to remake the guest bedroom every time someone disrupts it.  
JADE: haha ok rose :)

  


As the night wears on, Jade gets dressed in a pretty blue nightgown courtesy of Kanaya, shuffled into a lovely pastel pink and white trimmed guest bedroom, and is about to drift off when she registers a knock on the door.

JADE: um...yeah?  
KANAYA: I Hope You Dont Mind But May I Come In Briefly  
JADE: oh sure!!

Jade sits up as her friend slowly glides into the room and sits on the bed.

KANAYA: Im Very Sorry To Interrupt Your Sleep Like This  
KANAYA: I Know Youve Had A...Tiring Night  
JADE: yeah :(  
KANAYA: But I Wanted To Inform You Of Something  
KANAYA: When I Was Younger During The Game Actually  
KANAYA: I Thought Myself And A Girl I Liked Were Destined For Each Other  
KANAYA: I Was Convinced That We Would Become A Couple And She Would Understand That All My Meddling Was Just Because I Cared About Her And Wanted To Help Her Overcome Her Frankly Insane Obstacles  
JADE: oh  
JADE: this probably sounds weird but i guess i never thought about you liking someone other than rose before!  
KANAYA: I Know It Sounds Strange Doesnt It  
KANAYA: But Im Not Done And I Think Youll See My Point Even If I Am Getting A Bit Long Winded In My Answer  
KANAYA: So During The Game  
KANAYA: I Was Her Server Player And She Asked Me To Design Her A Dress  
KANAYA: The Dress Turned Out To Be To Seduce Another Friend Of Mine  
JADE: oh no!  
KANAYA: Indeed  
KANAYA: I Was Devasted  
KANAYA: But Now As An Adult I Think It Was A Necessary Action  
KANAYA: For You See  
KANAYA: While I Was Convinced We Were Meant To Be Together It Clearly Was Not The Case  
KANAYA: I Truly Believe I Am Meant To Be With Rose  
KANAYA: And While I Had Harbored Feelings For My Friend In Retrospect I Believe I Had Viewed Her With Flush Tinted Viewers At The Time  
KANAYA: Do You Understand How I Mean  
JADE: maybe?  
KANAYA: Its Easy To Be Caught Up In How You Feel Currently But You Dont Truly Know What The Future Holds For You  
KANAYA: You Love Dave Do You Not  
JADE: kind of yeah :(  
KANAYA: But Jade  
KANAYA: Who Knows Who Is In Store For You In The Future  
KANAYA: It Could Be Dave And It Could Be Someone Else Entirely  
KANAYA: Its Hard To Let Go Of Your Feelings But They Will Fade In Time  
KANAYA: And It Is Surprisingly Rewarding To See Those You Care About Be Happy  
KANAYA: And Trust Me You Will Be Happy To  
KANAYA: You Are Not A Person Who Gets Sad Endings Jade Harley  
JADE: thats so sweet kanaya, thank you  
KANAYA: Of Course  
KANAYA: You Are Welcome Any Time You Know If You Feel Lonely We Can Have Tea And Dinner  
KANAYA: Im Sure Roxy And His Partner Would Love To Have You As Well  
JADE: thanks oh my gosh…  
JADE: do you really think...like do you think theres someone out there for me like you and rose?  
KANAYA: Yes  
JADE: well then thats good enough for me!!  
KANAYA: Haha  
KANAYA: Im Going To Leave Now Jade  
JADE: oh alright!! goodnight kanaya :)

The light flickers out as Kanaya silently shuts the door behind her.

KANAYA: Goodnight Jade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been obsessed with the fact that Jade and RoseMary apparently make songs together since it was mentioned in Epilogues. That said, I hope the lyrics were ok; I write songs a lot but I'm pretty self conscious about them.


	4. Predisposition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Drinking and being very drunk, mentions of alcoholism, flashbacks to substance abuse, and mild emetophobia warning.

Maybe it would be easier for it to be a still and quiet night out, but in reality the fireworks and shouts in celebration for an unwelcome outcome played out in the backdrop to Dave and Karkat's walk home. They were in no real rush, with Dave sort of shuffling while Karkat walked in big strides for his small height.

DAVE: so  
KARKAT: SO.  
DAVE: i was wonderin  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: you know alcohol  
KARKAT: YES DAVE, I KNOW OF ALCOHOL.  
DAVE: so i was thinking that like  
DAVE: today sort of sucks what with us losing and all  
KARKAT: MHM.  
DAVE: whaaaaat if we go get some alcohol and get drunk  
KARKAT: WHAT? WHY?  
DAVE: thats like what you do right  
DAVE: you have a bad day and youre like aw man i need a drink  
DAVE: thats how it goes  
DAVE: im like the only person in my family who hasnt drunk anything yknow so like  
DAVE: im thinking nows the perfect time to start being the raging alcoholic i was probably always meant to be  
DAVE: but like a responsible alcoholic who does it with a friend  
KARKAT: RIGHT. A FRIEND.  
DAVE: yep  
KARKAT: UHHHH…  
KARKAT: SURE.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: YEAH.

Ignoring Karkat's squawk of protest, Dave abruptly grabs his friend's arm, dragging him into a store they were just about to pass.

DAVE: hi  
CLERK: h llo!  
DAVE: we would like some booze  
CLERK: ok!

The clerk hands them four different bottles of something.

KARKAT: WHAT, THAT'S IT?  
KARKAT: YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK US WHAT WE WANT?  
CLERK: nop !  
CLERK: you just lost th l ction!  
CLERK: you probably just want to g t sup r drunk!  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY BUT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT; YOU SOUND RIDICULOUS.  
CLERK: so this is som human vodka and rum and som troll f rm nt d tub r fluid and pirat wat r!  
DAVE: pirate water  
KARKAT: SHIT, THIS IS SOME REALLY STRONG STUFF.  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: ok i didnt think maybe trolls would have separate intoxicants but i guess that makes sense  
KARKAT: YEAH??? WHY WOULD I CONSUME HUMAN ALCOHOL.  
DAVE: i dont know but this works well take it  
CLERK: ok thatll b -  
DAVE: dont care well take it

Dave slaps down his debit card (acquired from his local Troll credit union) and tapped his foot while waiting for the clerk to run it through the till. Immediately after paying, he turns around and out the door, as Karkat hesitantly follows.

CLERK: hav a nic day!  
KARKAT: DID THAT BITCH JUST TELL US TO HAVE A NICK DAY.  
DAVE: thanks bye

It's a silent walk the rest of the way home. Each carrying two bottles of generic tuber fluid, neither of them seemed to feel the need to discuss this rash decision, though it's implications and potential consequences are reeling through Dave's head. He tries not to consider it too much, but it's hard knowing what he's about to do.

The inside of their house is pitch black with no heating, and flipping the lightswitch just makes it more obvious how Jade isn't there. No one between them tonight. Just Dave, Karkat, and four bottles of fuck up juice.

DAVE: ooooook  
DAVE: lets do this i guess  
KARKAT: WE'RE MAKING IT HAPPEN?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: ARE YOU OK?  
DAVE: what yeah  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE? YOU SOUND SO FUCKING DOWN YOU DIDN'T EVEN MAKE A DUMB MEME JOKE.  
DAVE: oh yeah im fine  
DAVE: lets do this shit  
DAVE: terrible self destructive downward spiral here i come

Tossing himself onto their couch he pops open the bottle of vodka and takes a huge ass swig, which he quickly discovers isn't actually that pleasant to do.

DAVE: wow that is really fucking awful  
KARKAT: YOU SHOULD TRY THE RUM, IT'S MADE OUT OF SUGAR.  
DAVE: oh shit really  
DAVE: are you going to have some soon  
KARKAT: YEAH. DON'T WORRY I'M GOING TO DRINK TOO.  
DAVE: ...thanks

His roommate awkwardly opens his own bottle of pirate water.

KARKAT: IT'S OK.

  


It didn't happen immediately. They sit on the couch in silence, taking big swigs of awful and slightly less awful bottles of bullshit, until Dave feels the need to pee. He stumbles and falls over the side of the couch as he tries to get up, until he's staring blearily at nothing and trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.

KARKAT: WELL THERE YOU GO YOURE FUCKING DEUNK CONGRATULATIONS  
DAVE: wh-  
DAVE: why can you say congrumaltions correctly but not drink.  
DAVE: drunk.  
DAVE: oh man.

Dave doesn't like being drunk. He realizes it very quickly, with a growing sense of nausea in his stomach coupled with what is unmistakably guilt and regret. Images of Rose in various timelines flash through his head, and he nearly pukes right there on the floor, but he's distracted by a weird sound above him.

Peering up from the floor, he sees Karkat looking down at him from the couch, and giggling.

KARKAT: GOD IM SORRY BUT YOURE JUST STIING ON THE FLOOR HAHAHA  
KARKAT: HAHA OH MAN ARE YOU OK  
DAVE: yeah. m fine sorry.  
KARKAT: HERE

He reaches a hand down and Dave lets himself be pulled up.

KARKAT: HERE ILL HELP!!

Karkat tugs on his hand, leading him to the bathroom.

KARKAT: DO YOU NEED ANY HELP  
DAVE: no, thnks tho.  
KARKAT: NO PROBLEM (:B

Karkat standing just outside the door makes him feel a bit more grounded, but he still feels disgusting. He sits for a few minutes on the toilet after he's done, contemplating. He forgot his shades on the floor by the couch. Why did he do this? Why did he rope Karkat into this? Why is Karkat having fun while he's miserable?

Why is he so miserable?

It's not supposed to be miserable until the next morning, and yet he's sitting here on a toilet filled with shame and embarrassment as his crush sits outside the door singing What The Hell by Avril Lavigne off key.

KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT A BICH SHE IS IN THAT SONG  
DAVE: shes a bitch in most of her sonts.  
KARKAT: YEAJ BUT SHES LIKE REALLY AWGUL IN THAT ONE  
KARKAT: I DONT KNOW LIKE I GUESS WE DONT KNOW HER SIGNIFICAT ORHER VERY WELL BUT LIKE THEY PROBABLY DIDNT SDEERVE THAT YOU KNOW  
DAVE: yeah.  
KARKAT: FUCJIN AVRIL LAVGUNE  
DAVE: thas her name yep.  
KARKAT: BABE ARE YOU OK  
KARKAT: I MEAN DAVE ARE YOU OK  
DAVE: yeah im doing great, why?  
KARKAT: YOU SOJND SUPER OFF  
DAVE: im drunk, dude. also we like. had a tough day.  
KARKAT: OH YEAH  
KARKAT: AUGH  
KARKAT: OK DAVE I HAVE A CONFERSION  
DAVE: um. ok shoot.  
KARKAT: IM GLAD IM NOT PRESIDENT  
KARKAT: I ACTUALLY SIFNY WANT TO BE PRESUDENT AT ALL BUT I KNEW YOU WANTED ME TO SO LIKE  
KARKAT: YOU WERE SO CONFIDENT I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WOULD WORL  
KARKAT: WORK  
KARKAT: LIKE YOU BELIEVEA IN MY SO MYCH YOU KNOW I FEEL LIKE MAYBE I CAN DO ANYTHING  
KARKAT: WHICH IS DUMB CAUSE IM ACTUALLY PRETTY USELESS  
DAVE: you are not usrless.  
KARKAT: SEE YOU BELIEVE IN ME  
KARKAT: GIDNI DOMT DESERVE YOUNAND JADE  
KARKAT: YOU GUYS ARE JUST  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU GUYS REALLY PYSH  
KARKAT: PUSH  
KARKAT: ME TO BE MY BEST SELF  
DAVE: do you think…  
DAVE: do you hhink we putsh too hard? or me, do i push too hard?  
KARKAT: WHAT NO  
DAVE: are you sure?  
DAVE: i kean you didjt evek wanqt to run...i domt wwnt to make you do thinge because i want them to be true thats. thats so shitty karkat im sorry.  
KARKAT: ITS OK  
KARKAT: I PROMISE  
KARKAT: HEY DOBYOU NEED HELP IN THERE  
DAVE: yeah, sorry.  
DAVE: im habing trouble zipping up my monstyer penis; its truong to get out and wteck new new york city, but im truing to sjove it bhack in its containment field and its just so pissed wbout that.  
KARKAT: NAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A BLARGER CONTAINMENT FIELR ITS JUST UNCOMFORTABLE CAUSE ITS TOO FUCKING BIG TO FIT INSIDE  
DAVE: uauahaha fick yeah it is.

Dave steps out of the bathroom, and finds Karkat sitting against the wall, staring lazily at him. He's smiling a little bit, just the tiniest bit, and he looks far cuter than he should when he's smashed.

KARKAT: CAN WE GO TO YOUR ROOM  
DAVE: whoa, uh, what?  
KARKAT: I WANMA HANG IN THE PILE  
DAVE: oh. yeah.  
KARKAT: YAY

Karkat sways a little when he gets up, but he stumbles into his friends arms and then drags him along the wall towards the bedroom. Dave's stomach is suddenly more jumpy than it was earlier, and he wishes for it to calm down. Nothing is going to happen. Just two bros hanging out while intoxicated. One of these bros thinks the other bro is hot and said hot bro is really enthusiastic about potentially cuddling in a pile. This is going to be fine.

It isn't fine. The minute they're cuddled up in a pile of dirty laundry (god DAMN it past Dave), dave can feel nothing but dread for what he knows is to come.

KARKAT: I HAVE ANOTHER CONFESSION  
DAVE: right.  
DAVE: acrually? no.  
KARKAT: OH  
DAVE: i have a confession. i wanted you to rin for president.  
KARKAT: UH YEAH WE GOT THAT THE FIRST BEILLION TIMES YOU SAID THAT JACKSASS  
DAVE: but- but its bevause. you always felt so down.  
KARKAT: …  
DAVE: fuck, this is so stupid! fuck. karkat im sorry you fidnt get to sgart a new universe and be a leader and stuff, but i rhink youd be good at it i really do. i really do. and ik youll listen to me and know im being so fucking legit and real with you right now because you already told me you know i bemieve in you.  
DAVE: and FUCK dude i really do. i really really do. and i needed to get rhat out there and now i have so there.  
KARKAT: DAVE  
DAVE: no.  
KARKAT: FUCK DAVE FUCK IT I LO-  
DAVE: NO!!!  
KARKAT: !  
DAVE: no this is NOT how i wanted it to g-

Dave sits up and gags.

KARKAT: HOLY FUCK  
KARKAT: FUCKFUCK FUCK I KNEW IT  
KARKAT: I KNEW THIS IS HOW YOU REALLG FELT FUCK WHY AM I SO STUPID SHIT FORHET I SAID ANYTHING OH MY FUCKING GOD  
DAVE: ka-  
KARKAT: I CANT BELIEVE I ACTUALLY SAID RHAT GOG DAMN IT IM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT IM A SHIT ACED MAGHOT WHO DOESNG EVEN DESERVE TO *BE* HERE SHIT I KNEW YOU LIKED JADE AND I JUST FUCKING WENT AND MADE EVRRYTHING ALL AWKWARD AND WRIRD  
DAVE: k-karkat.  
KARKAT: IM SOR SORRY WE CAN JUST MOSBE PAST THIS IF YOU EVEN CAN OH MY GOD YUO NHATE ME SO MUCH YOU ALSOMST PUKED DAVE IM SO SORRY I CAN LEAVE DO YOU WANT ME TO LEWAVE  
DAVE: karkat im in l-love with you.  
KARKAT: WHAT  
DAVE: im in love with you and im vrry drunk and i am extremely ancious right now.  
KARKAT: …  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: OK WHAT  
KARKAT: WHAT DO WR DO NOW  
DAVE: i dont know. hold on yhe rooms sort of spinning.

The troll slowly steadies a hand on Dave's shoulder, and it weirdly does help. 

DAVE: so. i got drunk cause uh.  
KARKAT: BAD DAY  
DAVE: yes and no…  
DAVE: look man jm really nervous like a lot of the time. Im paranoid and jinpy and kind if a wreck and im like  
DAVE: how can i possibly say the thing i know i need to and not sound likr a huge dumbbass?  
DAVE: so i got us drunk. cause. then its ok to sound like a huge dimbass, cause everyone does when theyre drunk.  
DAVE: so i knew id be more confident, you know, liquid courage and all.  
KARKAT: YEAH  
DAVE: but i was really. nevorus so i wanted someone to help me with it.  
KARKAT: SO YOU HAD ME GET DRINK WOTH YOU  
DAVE: yeah.  
DAVE: god. karkat.  
KARKAT: DAVE  
DAVE: im sorry.  
KARKAT: ITS OK ARE YOU OK  
KARKAT: I MEAN O VIOUSLY UOU ARENT BUT  
KARKAT: AHIT YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME  
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO  
DAVE: yeah. i really love you  
KARKAT: DO YOU STILL FEEL SIVK  
DAVE: yeah. im not gonna lie dude i feel so fucking awful dight now like what am i even doing?  
DAVE: im so fucking pathetic. i dont want to be drunk, i didnt eant our confession to be while drjnk. not really. i ruoned everything.  
KARKAT: I WAS ACTUALLY HAVIG FUN UNTIL YOU STARTED GAGGING HONESTLY  
DAVE: ok i rjoned it for me then.  
KARKAT: IM SORY DAVE  
DAVE: yeah.  
KARKAT: DO YOU LIKE  
KARKAT: OK THIS IS REALLY FICKING STUPID  
KARKAT: DO HOU WANT TO COPULATE  
DAVE: huh?  
KARKAT: WE JSYT CONFESS D RIGHT  
KARKAT: SO WE CAN TOTALLY MAKEOUT OR FUCK RN  
DAVE: oh, rght. that.  
DAVE: shit we can totally fick right now.  
KARKAT: SO LIKE DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT OR  
DAVE: yeah but we cant.  
KARKAT: WHAT WHY  
DAVE: were drunk, dude.  
DAVE: not totally consensual, gotta wait till were sober.  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: WHY DONT WE TRY AND GET SOBER THEN  
DAVE:  
DAVE: ok first were gonna need some watter and some food, maybe uh toast?  
KARKAT: ON IT  
KARKAT: GOD YOURE  
DAVE: ?  
KARKAT: YOURE SO FUCKING PRETTY  
DAVE: oh, uh…  
KARKAT: WATER AND TOAST HOLD ON

Karkat quickly gets to his feet with much more coordination than he's had all night, and runs down the hall. Dave collapses back into the clothing. That did not go even remotely as planned, but at least he has a new plan now. 

A plan that almost definitely ends with him fucking his roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this dialogue was the most annoying part of this entire fic. I ended up writing most of it with my eyes closed only to discover that I'm too good at typing with my eyes closed for it to look properly fucked up.


	5. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> This part is not detailed but I am adding it anyway!
> 
> Jake discusses the events from the debate fic that brought up instances of sexual harassment, as well as a similar encounter he has with Jane in the HS Epilogues: Meat (not the Candy one!).
> 
> It isn't graphic at all, but it starts at "JAKE: Does anyone here remember the debate?" And ends at "GCATAVROSPRITE: wHAT IS IT THAT I KEEP TELLING YOU,". Just to be safe!

???: Congratulions June Egbert! President of Earth C ^w^!

JAKE: And thank fuck for that.

Roxy and Calliope's home is filled with many a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling apple cider as they sit with their friends in the living room, watching the election.

Calliope blinks up at Jake from their position on the floor in front of his chair; he has his legs seated underneath him and he's scowling at the screen. Next to his partner, Roxy chews on his lip while he inspects the floor in front of them, while Jasprosesprite^2 rubs up and down his arm in a soothing gesture. Gcatavrosprite makes an unsettled noise from behind Jake's chair, where he's been floating for about 30 minutes.

Sometimes, the need to be huddled close to others can be very strong.

CALLIOPE: really?  
JAKE: Are you pulling my leg dear bonesy observer?  
JAKE: If that shit awful debate i had to moderate made anything clear it was that june was the only one not full of hootenanny.  
ROXY: well  
JAKE: Roxy.  
JAKE: Rolal you know you are a special person dearer to my heart than nearly anyone else could be. But still come on!  
ROXY: ok ok ik!!!  
ROXY: but dude ok jane and dirk are also our bffs like im sorry i feel bad i do but yikes u know  
ROXY: like i voted for june 2 but wtf happened to our friends  
JAKE: It really is a yikes indeed i have to say.  
ROXY: yea :/  
GCATAVROSPRITE: pERSONALLY, AS A TROLL, I DONT FEEL THAT BAD FOR UM, JANE,  
GCATAVROSPRITE: LIKE HONESTLY SHE, UHH, SHE SEEMS LIKE A HUGE BITCH,  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Yeah, totally!!  
JAKE: Ok now lets not go using archaic and unusually cruel jibes to get back at the folks we know for being unnecessarily terrible for seemingly no reason.  
ROXY: wat was the reason guys  
ROXY: wat was the reason  
GCATAVROSPRITE: tHATS, LIKE SOMETHING WERE TRYING TO UHH, FIGURE OUT, ACTUALLY,  
ROXY: ik hun im referencing a meme  
GCATAVROSPRITE: oH,  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Haha!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Hey, but WHAT is up with Dirk and Jane???  
ROXY: idfk  
JAKE: Im a bit puzzled on whats gotten into them myself.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Maybe we should dig into it a bit deeper!!! Really anameowlize them!!!  
GCATAVROSPRITE: rEALLY WHAT,  
CALLIOPE: interesting idea!  
ROXY: uh i dont really like that idea??? at all???  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Too bad!!! >:3c

The sprite seems to grab a notebook out of thin air, but instead of actually writing things down in a sensible way, they write "meow meow meow meow" over and over in shitty scribbles.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Let's see, when did you first notice they've changed?  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Or have they always had a tendency to be disgusting bigots???  
ROXY: they arent disgusting bigots :/  
GCATAVROSPRITE: tHEY ARE, SORT OF DISGUSTING, AND BIGGOTTY,,,,  
JAKE: I dont know they just seem to be terrible now! Like they woke up one day and were like were going to be facists and i dont know HOW that happened cause every war film ever says facists are bad!  
JAKE: Ive seen hellboy i know whos ass is supposed to be whooped!  
CALLIOPE: gosh, i even remember back when they Used to have reasonable debates and giggled over pony books. u^u  
CALLIOPE: bUt, i gUess i did not know dirk very well, when i think aboUt it.  
CALLIOPE: i mean, i watched him, bUt we did not really talk…  
GCATAVROSPRITE: i HATE, TALKING TO DIRK,  
GCATAVROSPRITE: oNE TIME, HE WAS LIKE NITRAM, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS TO BE A MAN, AND I WAS LIKE I DONT KNOW UH SIR,,,,,,, I THINK GENDER MAY ACTUALLY BE A LITTLE FAKE, AND NOT REAL,  
GCATAVROSPRITE: aND HE JUST WHEEZED REALLY LOUD, OUT HIS NOSE WITH A STOYK FACE, AND THEN UHH WALKED AWAY,  
CALLIOPE: i gUess they have always been a little weird, thoUgh.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Thats what i thought? I mean, I am pretty surprised in Jane's turn of events, but Dirk seems pretty on brand when I consider how he treated Dave in our former universe!  
JAKE: Jane...yeah.  
GCATAVROSPRITE: yEAH,  
ROXY: yea :/  
CALLIOPE: she always seemed so lovely!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Same!! I remember when I first saw her not evilfied, and she was so cute and sweet! What happened???  
JAKE: Um.  
JAKE: Does anyone here remember the debate?  
CALLIOPE: i try not to think aboUt it, bUt yes.  
JAKE: Ok so. During the debate there was all the talk about uh me.  
ROXY: we dont have to talk about this jake  
JAKE: No i want to! This is different im bringing it up this time.  
ROXY: alright babey but dont push urself  
JAKE: I know i know!  
JAKE: So they kept bringing up the mind control thing from that one timeline where shes off her rocker and trying to enslave me and stuff. And i go home that night and realize something kind of creepy.  
CALLIOPE: oh???  
ROXY: oh no jake what happened  
JAKE: Jane tried to jump in my trousers just a few weeks before that debate! She had tried to get me to endorse her but i didnt really want to do that and then she put on a sexy little blue number and it was hot but then i got oddly uncomfortable and i went home…  
GCATAVROSPRITE: oH MY GOG,,  
JAKE: Yeah.  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: And then she ran all those ads!!! 3:<  
JAKE: Yeah.  
ROXY: jesus fuck jake  
JAKE: Yeah i know.  
JAKE: It really put a different spin on it when i was thinking about the debate answers. I mean karkat and june certainly didnt try to coerce me with sex into getting an endorsement!  
ROXY: wow i wonder why june didnt try to seduce you jake that is so weird u think shed go rite for that huh *rollin my fuckin eyes*  
JAKE: The point still flipping stands jesus rol *rollin MY flippin eyes*!!!  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Hold on, I need to take notes on this!  
GCATAVROSPRITE: jAKE, I AM SO PROUD OF YOU THOUGH, DUDE,  
GCATAVROSPRITE: fOR NOT ENDORSING HER, I MEAN UH, JUST BECAUSE SHE WAS PUSHY, AND UHH SEXY,  
GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU DESERVE BETTER, THAN BEING WALKED ALL OVER,  
GCATAVROSPRITE: wHAT IS IT THAT I KEEP TELLING YOU,  
JAKE: That im not a joke?  
GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU ARE NOT A JOKE, :3  
ROXY: aw thats sweet  
ROXY: kind of  
ROXY: somehow  
CALLIOPE: gosh, none of this really soUnds like the girl i met online thoUgh…  
CALLIOPE: when did she start acting like this?

Roxy's phone rings, blasting the tune of Cooking By The Book from _Lazy Town_.

ROXY: o shit  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Answer it, answer it!!!! !  
ROXY: shhh hold on fuk fuck

The room instantly quiets as Roxy hits accept on the voice call.

ROXY: hello  
JANE: Roxy, oh my goodness! Are you ok? You sound surprisingly formal for a phone call!  
ROXY: o whaaaat? no haha im doin great how r u  
JANE: Well, you know. I'm at a party that you aren't at! And you know there's no real party without Roxy Lalonde…  
ROXY: oh shit uh

A glance at his friends, and they all frantically wave their hands in shushing and "abort" motions, while Calliope looks conflicted.

ROXY: um ok janey im so sorry but callie and i did a lot today and we are so exhausted rn  
JANE: Oh.  
ROXY: yea wow this sounds like total ass ik and fuck you lost the election tonight didnt you  
JANE: Oh, it's ok. You should go get some rest actually, it's really not a big deal.  
ROXY: jane are you sure cause i can-  
JANE: Roxy I insist! Please get some rest, and I'll see you some other time! I still have Jake and Dirk, after all. :B  
ROXY: right  
ROXY: uh ok i guess ill go sleep then um love you janey good night  
JANE: Goodnight Roxy! Get some sleep hon!

Roxy exhales a deep sigh the minute his dial tone signs.

ROXY: oh my god i know we just fuckin talked about how shes a pos lately but ive never felt more guilty in my life and that includes that time i- actually im not going to finish that sentence  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Probably for the better, TBH!!

Jake's phone starts to vibrate on the arm of his chair, and everyone jumps and stares at it. They don't need to see the Caller to know who the fuck is calling. After 6 rings, it stops.

ROXY: ...  
CALLIOPE: ...  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: …  
GCATAVROSPRITE: ,,,  
JAKE: …  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Well, at least Dirk is probably with her! :3

Jake stands up.

JAKE: I should go home i think.  
ROXY: u can stay here if you want  
ROXY: actually would anyone like to watch a movie

Jake immediately sits back down.

CALLIOPE: oh please, that soUnds like sUch a good distraction!  
JAKE: You know what i would LOVE a movie right now.  
GCATAVROSPRITE: wHAT ARE WE UH WATCHING,  
CALLIOPE: what aboUUUUUUUUUUUt…  
CALLIOPE: "three trolls fight for one troll's flUshed qUadrant, and eventUally neatly settling into an arrangement that works reasonably well for all parties involved, featUring at least 2 dramatic kiss seqUences, a panic attack in a hospital, and a closeUp of charli sheene".  
GCATAVROSPRITE: wEVE WATCHED THIS ONE BEFORE,  
JAKE: And it was excellent!  
GCATAVROSPRITE: iTS ACTUALLY, REALLY UH, GENERIC, AND BORING,  
JAKE: I was breathless by the end!  
GCATAVROSPRITE: yOU CAN TELL BY THE TITLE HONESTLY,,  
JASPROSESPRITE^2: Was anyone going to tell me there is a troll Charlie Sheen ??


	6. Glad You're Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Vague suicide contemplation (a continuation of the prologue).

DIRK: Yes.

The prince gets up, and begins pacing his cluttered workshop. His mind is bizarrely blank, he can't seem to focus on anything without seeing a pair of crumpled shades resting in his hand on the roof of his Texan skyrise, and how desperate he sounded when he begged him for-

Jane just lost the election, didn't she. He stops pacing, and stares at the TV screen, with dawning realization that he is leaving his friend at her lowest hour tonight. Maybe he should drop by after all; give her a shoulder to cry on. Like Jake won't be there first.

You know, it's really hard to compete with someone who's got a big rack without even having to hit the gym for it.

Dirk leaves his things as they were when he was working on them, note and all, and locks his house up before he leaves. The flight to Jane's really isn't that far. He can come back and finish his business. But he should probably spend some time with his friend first. She probably needs him.

  


Jane's house is silent and dark.

When he knocks, the door is opened by a tired man who just exudes business and fatigue. Dirk still doesn't know Dad Crocker's first name, but with his plans waiting for him at home be doubts that it matters.

DAD: AH, DIRK STRIDER.  
DIRK: Hey, Mister Crocker.  
DAD: YOU ARE EXTREMELY LATE.  
DIRK: Yeah, sorry about that. House is pretty quiet, I guess the party's in Jane's room?

Jane's dad moves out of the doorway and Dirk confidently walks inside the living room, which is still completely dark. What the fuck? No noise is emitting from anywhere, besides a hum that is probably the refrigerator or maybe the heating.

DAD: THERE IS NO PARTY. UNLESS YOU AND MY DAUGHTER ALONE COUNT AS A PARTY.  
DAD: BUT YES, SHE IS IN HER ROOM.  
DIRK: Okay... did everyone go home?  
DAD: NO, DIRK.  
DAD: NO ONE SHOWED UP.

He freezes, by the stairs, and turns towards the business man, who he now notes is wearing comically striped pajamas and a nightcap.

DIRK: No one??  
DAD: NO ONE.  
DIRK: Not even Roxy???  
DAD: ROXY AND HIS AMBIGUOUSLY QUEERPLATONIC PARTNER GAVE THEIR REGARDS BUT DECLINED THE INVITATION ABOUT 40 MINUTES AGO, WHICH I MAY ADD WAS SEVERAL HOURS AFTER HER PARTY WAS SUPPOSED TO START.  
DAD: YOUNG ENGLISH WAS UNABLE TO BE REACHED, THOUGH SHE ONLY TRIED ONCE.  
DIRK: Oh.

Dirk feels increasingly stupid standing in this man's living room in the dark, staring at his pajamas, but he isn't really sure what to do or say. He probably would have known all this if he hadn't been so distracted for literally the entire day.

DIRK: Wow.  
DAD: AGREED. I DID THE BEST TO MY ABILITY TO COMFORT, BUT IT IS RATHER HARD WHEN I AM NOT THE ONE SHE WAS EXCITED TO SEE TONIGHT.  
DIRK: Sorry.  
DAD: IT IS ALRIGHT. I LOVE MY DAUGHTER AND AM ALWAYS GLAD TO BE THERE FOR HER WHEN SHE NEEDS ME.  
DIRK: Yeah.

That's not why he was apologizing, but he decides maybe it's Jane he should be apologizing to.

DIRK: Do you think I should uh. Go say hi?  
DAD: YES. I DON'T MEAN TO PUSH YOU, YOUNG MAN, BUT SHE IS A BIT DEVASTATED AT THE MOMENT AND SEEING YOU MAY HELP THINGS SIGNIFICANTLY.  
DAD: I IMAGINE SHE FEELS QUITE ABANDONED.  
DIRK: I imagine that too.  
DIRK: Uh. Goodnight? Sir.  
DAD: GOODNIGHT, DIRK STRIDER.

Dad Crocker immediately turns away, leaving Dirk alone in his dark living room, so he steadily begins to walk up the stairs to his friend's bedroom. When he reaches it, he hears muffled sniffles. Very lightly, he knocks, and keeps his voice low as he talks.

DIRK: Jane?  
JANE: …  
JANE: Hold on.

There's some bumping for half a minute before the door opens, and he finally sees his devastatingly deflated and red eyed friend. She's wrapped herself in a red blanket, with a hint of cyan blue flannel pajamas underneath.

JANE: Um. Hello.  
DIRK: Hi. I'm really sorry I'm late, Jane.

Her chin wobbles, and he really wishes she'd invite him in already.

JANE: No, no it's ok. You were probably busy with your hobbies and whatnot.

Dirk's hobbies and whatnot waiting at home flash through his mind and his stomach feels very odd suddenly.

JANE: You can go home if you'd like; there isn't really a party or anything after all.  
DIRK: Ok, I don't want to be a huge asshole here- I mean, more than I already have been tonight- but can I stay?  
JANE: The night??  
DIRK: Yeah?  
DIRK: I kind of owe it to you to spend some time and-  
DIRK: ...I think it's a bad idea for me to be by myself right now.

Jane snorts.

JANE: It's always about you, huh?  
DIRK: Jane.  
JANE: You knew I was going to lose, didn't you?  
JANE: You knew, and the minute I was no longer profitable you gave up on me.  
DIRK: …  
JANE: Or did you even believe in me in the first place? Jake and Roxy certainly didn't. Fuck.  
DIRK: Jane-  
JANE: But now you're here, and because why? You don't want to be by yourself. That's why. It doesn't matter that this was supposed to be my night, that I was supposed to be president and my friends were supposed to be with me through the whole thing. You wanted a party and now you're demanding I be hospitable when you walk into my house in the middle of the night an hour and a half after the worst news in my career after you refused to show up when invited.  
DIRK: I didn't think you'd want me here.  
JANE: …  
DIRK: Look, I've been...way too wrapped up in myself lately. It isn't about you, I swear to fuck, Jane.  
DIRK: But I also thought that, you know. Jake would be here. You guys have been doing well lately, and this is when you were gonna be announced president. I thought maybe he'd be swept off his feet or something.  
JANE: Nice try, but he doesn't think I'm that attractive.  
DIRK: He does. I can tell.  
JANE: Mm. I also ran those ads about him, though.  
DIRK: What ads?  
JANE: Oh crickets Dirk, you are really an awful advisor.  
DIRK: Ok, you know what? That is objectively true.  
JANE: What on Earth have you been doing that's been keeping you too busy to even notice my freaking ads??  
DIRK: This will sound shitty, but I'd rather not talk about it.  
JANE: …  
DIRK: …

Hesitantly, Jane opens the door wide enough for Dirk to come in. He flashes her a very, very small smile, and immediately walks to the end of her bed. She joins him as he kicks off his shoes, and squints to look at him in the low light in her room.

JANE: Do you want some pajamas? They probably won't fit though…  
DIRK: Nah, I can sleep in this.  
JANE: In jeans???  
DIRK: Yeah?  
JANE: Eurgh.  
DIRK: What?  
JANE: Nevermind.

After a few moments of shuffling around, they manage to squeeze together in Jane's tiny twin bed, finally laying in silence and breathing deeply.

JANE: So, you don't know where they are, huh?  
DIRK: I don't, sorry.  
JANE: It's ok.  


Jake, Roxy, and Calliope are at a party at Roxy and Calliope's house, as shown in the previous intermission.

DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Uh, I can call them in the morning and ask, if you want.  
JANE: Of course not! They're probably expecting you to do a whole bad cop interrogation!  
DIRK: Heh, yeah probably.  
JANE: Not even "probably". You may not think so, but you are actually a bit predictable Mister Strider!  
DIRK: Really now.  
JANE: It's true!  
DIRK: I'll take your word for it.  
JANE: ...Hey Dirk?  
DIRK: Jane.  
JANE: Do you think we did the wrong thing?  
DIRK: Yes. But what, specifically, do you consider to be the wrong thing.  
JANE: Because you think everything you've done has been the wrong thing?  
DIRK: …  
JANE: Predictable!  
DIRK: Ok, I get it. But really, why do you ask?  
JANE: No one is here, Dirk.  
JANE: June and Karkat had their own party, and our mutual friends went with them. They're opponents! But they still shared their time together.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: Wait, I didn't know about this.  
DIRK: Fuck. I wasn't invited, was I?  
JANE: I suppose you weren't.  
DIRK: Damn. That's cold, especially coming from Dave.  
JANE: Well you were a bit callus towards him and his political discourse…  
DIRK: His political discourse is fucking Communism.  
JANE: Still!  
JANE: I'm just thinking, that, you know.  
JANE: I had to hold my own party, and you're the only person who attended.  
DIRK: And I didn't really attend properly like a normal fucker, either.  
JANE: Right.  
JANE: So I was thinking.  
JANE: Were we actually right? Because it seems like our political actions sort of drove everyone away.  
DIRK: ...Hm.  
JANE: And I went back and watched the debate-  
JANE: I sort of looked evil, Dirk!  
DIRK: Yeah, ok you kind of did. I was there.  
DIRK: But you aren't evil, ok. You aren't even a facist. You weren't gonna put any Trolls in any fuckin' "Troll camps" or anything, like Christ.  
JANE: Well…  
DIRK: Jane.  
DIRK: That is not a statement you should want to challenge. At all.  
JANE: No, see, I've been thinking.  
JANE: I don't WANT to be a facist who wants to commit genocide, but I also can see myself doing that! I was that, even if it was for a really brief period. Just a few hours under mind control, in an alternate timeline.  
JANE: But I have these...nightmares about it.  
JANE: Do you ever like...feel like you could become evil? Like you could just eventually let yourself go too much and suddenly you are the antagonist to everyone else's narrative?  
DIRK: Uh.  
JANE: I get so scared that someday I'll be a horrible person who hurts everyone I love. It's so easy to imagine, and I'm not sure how to handle it. And I wanted so much power with this election…  
DIRK: I really don't...  
DIRK: I don't like this conversation.  
JANE: I think everyone else was seeing it, Dirk. I think everyone saw the real me, like the ultimate me, and that's why they didn't come. And I was too wrapped up in myself to even see myself losing control.  
JANE: So, I think I did the wrong thing, and maybe I coerced you into it with m-  
DIRK: Stop, god.  
DIRK: Damn.  
DIRK: Ok, no. Your Ultimate Self is NOT some sort of evil dictator who ruins your friend's lives. You're a good person, Jane! You've always been a good person.  
DIRK: That other Jane, that wasn't you. That was the Batterwitch controlling you.  
JANE: That's just an excuse, though! I could very well hurt everyone I know…  
DIRK: Everyone has the potential for evil, Jane, that's why fucking morals and ethics exist.  
DIRK: And you know what? I do actually believe man is inherently bad. And I believe that some are more evil than others.  
DIRK: But you are not one of them.  
DIRK: Not by a god damn longshot.  
JANE: Maybe not now…  
DIRK: Jane! You are not evil!  
JANE: But maybe I will be!  
JANE: I don't want to but what if I can't stop it?!

Comfort is completely beyond Dirk's capabilities, and really even conceptual abilities, so he stays quiet at her distress, and stays unmoving as she grasps the front of his t-shirt.

JANE: What do I do, Dirk?  
DIRK: I don't know.  
JANE: I want to...I want to be a better person.

He sighs, heavily.

DIRK: Same.

Her fingers relax slightly, and she rests her head closer to his shoulder.

JANE: Hey, why didn't you want to be alone tonight?  
DIRK: Do we have to talk about that?  
JANE: I guess not. But I have a bad feeling, and I'm a little uneasy the more I think about it.  
DIRK: Stop thinking about it then.  
JANE: Dirk.  
DIRK: I don't want to worry you.  
JANE: I'm already worried!  
DIRK: I'm ok. I'm here, right?  
DIRK: I'll still be here, as long as you need me.  
JANE: ...Well I'm going to need you forever, then.  
DIRK: Thank fuck for that.  
JANE: We should talk to our friends more.  
DIRK: Do you want to?  
JANE: What do you mean?  
DIRK: They left you high and dry, dude. That's not exactly great friend behavior.  
JANE: We haven't been good friends either! When was the last time you even talked to Roxy?  
DIRK: Damn, you got me there.  
JANE: I know!  
JANE: Maybe we've just isolated ourselves too much. We're out of touch.  
DIRK: Also apparently fascists.  
JANE: Ugh, that too.  
JANE: What I'm saying is that we should talk to our friends more and see if we can't see things from their perspective!  
DIRK: I don't know.  
JANE: You don't know?  
DIRK: Yeah.  
JANE: How so?  
DIRK: I don't know, can we talk about something else?  
DIRK: Or go to sleep? I guess?  
JANE: I guess it is late.  
DIRK: You guess correctly, Crocker.  
JANE: Hoo hoo!  
DIRK: Mmn.  
JANE: We're talking about this in the morning though! We clearly have a problem that needs to be addressed.  
DIRK: Fine.  
JANE: Dirk?  
DIRK: What is it, Jane.  
JANE: I'm glad you're here.  
DIRK: Thanks.

He squeezes her, just a little bit tighter. She's heavy, but her combined weight with her duvet comforter is surprisingly comfortable and even over his body.

DIRK: I'm glad I'm here too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also sleep in jeans. Only during naps though! Who knows why.


	7. Postscript

JADE: what...are you guys doing?

Dave is, at the moment, rolling around in some egg mixture, while Karkat watches him with a skeptical look from the couch.

KARKAT: WELL. FIRST WE GOT REALLY DRUNK LAST NIGHT, CONFESSED THAT WE LOVE EACH OTHER, THEN REALIZED IT'S DUBIOUS CONSENT IF WE UH. DO? ANYTHING WHILE DRUNK.  
KARKAT: SO WE TRIED TO GET SOBER.  
DAVE: which led to us googling hangover cures  
KARKAT: BUT THAT TURNED OUT TO BE REALLY FUN SO WE'VE BEEN DOING STUPID SHIT BASICALLY SINCE WE'VE WOKEN UP.  
DAVE: you wanna join

Jade pulls some clothing of hers from the inside of the couch side table, and begins to hurriedly change her clothes. Dave immediately goes back to rolling in eggs, while Karkat rolls his eyes and pointedly looks away.

JADE: sorry but i am going out to lunch today!!!  
DAVE: oh yeah where were you last night you never came home  
JADE: oh i was at roses! kanaya is having an appointment with june today and rose will be joining to talk about something so i was politely kicked out for the day  
DAVE: aw dang sorry harley  
DAVE: do you want us to come to lunch with you  
JADE: nope! im getting lunch with roxy and jake and calliope and gcatavrosprite and jasprosesprite  
JADE: they apparently had a wild and sober party watching bad charli sheene movies  
KARKAT: OH MAN DID THEY WATCH THAT ONE THAT HAS A PANIC ATTACK IN A HOSPITAL? THAT ONE'S PRETTY GOOD FOR A CHARLI SHEENE FILM.  
DAVE: wait youre getting lunch with my rad dad without me  
JADE: yep! i figured you guys should get some alone time after last night ;)  
KARKAT: WAIT WHY AREN'T YOU SURPRISED ABOUT THIS? YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ASKED IF WE WOULD DO A THREESOME YET.  
JADE: well do you want to have a threesome???  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: uhhhhhh  
JADE: see! im trying to be respectful guys!  
KARKAT: THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU WERE EXPECTING US TO BE HAVING SEX WHEN YOU GOT HERE.  
DAVE: hey actually maybe we should get lunch with dirk  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE DO THAT. DIRKS A HUGE CREEP.  
DAVE: no hes not hes great and also has been wanting us to get together for years so hes gonna be super hyped  
KARKAT: SEE THAT JUST MAKES HIM SOUND WEIRD AND MILDLY INVASIVE. MAYBE HE SHOULD MIND HIS BUSINESS.  
DAVE: jesus relax dirks a good dude  
KARKAT: HE'S A TOOL WHO WAS A DICK TO US THE ENTIRE ELECTION??  
DAVE: well drop by his house later and see what hes up to  
JADE: you do that i guess...im going to go head out its like 11:30  
DAVE: ok bye jade  
KARKAT: *SIGH* BYE JADE.  
JADE: haha bye!! :)

The minute Jade shuts the front door, Dave's phone begins vibrating in the spot next to Karkat. The caller ID says "gay kamina".

KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: huh

Karkat holds up the phone to his newly appointed boyfriend, still lying on the floor, and puts it on speaker.

DAVE: hey bro  
DIRK: Hey. So I was just thinking that you might want to come over and see me today, so just for your information, I'm actually at Jane's.  
DIRK: And you definitely shouldn't go to my house right now.  
DAVE: ooooookay im not gonna ask why you knew i was going to go over to your house  
KARKAT: UH??  
DIRK: Good.  
DAVE: jk how the fuck did you know i was going to go to your house  
DIRK: Doesn't matter. You wouldn't understand, and I don't want to explain.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: so do you want to get lunch  
DIRK: Actually, I should probably- what? Ugh, n- hm.  
JANE: Go with them! You dork. :B  
DAVE: bro  
DIRK: Sorry, it's Jane.  
DIRK: Yes, I can go to lunch.  
DAVE: sweet i have some news to tell you  
DIRK: I already saw the election results, bro.  
DAVE: oh fuck off i have good news jackass  
DIRK: Nice. Can't wait.  
DIRK: Can I bring Jane?  
DAVE: what???  
DAVE: dude no absolutely not what the actual fuck  
DIRK: I figured. No problem though, she'll understand. I'm gonna come back and hang with her after lunch though.  
DAVE: i mean do whatever the fuck you want i guess  
DIRK: Thanks, I will.

Dirk immediately hangs up. Slowly, Dave starts to climb out of the eggs, which has dried uncomfortably on his jeans.

KARKAT: IS IT JUST ME.  
KARKAT: OR DO ALL OF OUR FUCKING FRIENDS SEEM TO KNOW THINGS WE DON'T, LIKE ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
